I just KNEW it would happen sooner or later…
You see, I’m the squishy, romantic type, and well, I just knew some brave and manly person would swoop me up and carry me away, protected forever in his arms…
But who the Hell knew that manly person would be Ann Coulter?!
I have nothing against women, per se, Hell, I’m one myself…but I was envisioning more of a Prince Charming kinda GUY over the Princess of Crass, you know, a person who is MALE and not just in the timber of his voice, like Ann, but with strong arms and not necessarily a strong social-political odour…
But hey, beggars can’t be choosers, so if Ann wants to save me and whisk me away from all those other TERRIBLE Canadians who lurk around me in my own country, I mean, how can I reject her advances?
I can see her side of things, I can…no, really.
People in Ottawa are a weird bunch and let’s face it, if you don’t have “Multiculturalism” beliefs up the ass, then your time in our humanitarian, rainbow-ridden, ethnically enhanced country capital will probably be short-lived.
And, of course, it was for Ann.
Heck, to come all this way and voluntarily cross our wieldy border, with God knows how many body-guards, that must have taken some balls to do…hey, maybe she’s more male than I first realized?!
Sure, the trek was for naught, as the University of Ottawa refused to let her say her prepared speech, for fear of outright attacks from the placard-carrying protestors, who by the way, abandoned free speech for illegal fire alarm pulling and table throwing. And yes, the U of O Provost, Francois Houle (you gotta LOVE though how she morphed his name into “A Houle”?!!!), citing Coulter as a hate-speech monger probably didn’t help either.
But for the life of me, I'm still trying to figure out why Ann wanted to talk to us Canucks in the first place, considering she has come out in public on many an occasion citing her absolute hatred for us and our country and what we stand for…
Maybe it was her soft heart, huh?
Maybe she wanted to give us inbred northerners a second chance?
Maybe the man in her just wanted to save us from our pansy-assed selves…
But alas, even her body guards and the $1200 extra security protection at U of O just wasn’t enough…and that petite blond had to hoof it outta Dodge and flee to Calgary, those Eastern ignoramuses still ignorant because they had not been gifted with her enlightened prose…sigh..
But then, just when we thought there was no hope, Ann came out on her blog (oops! again, no, her “column”, and by the way, if she can call it a column, then so can MsBurb, yep, from this day forward, B3 is now a column and MsBurb is now a columnist!…you can ask me for an autograph after you read this post!) a few days later and pronounced that maybe it is America’s job to SAVE the GOOD Canadians from those evil, in-bred tree-huggers in Ottawa!
Sure, it may have been because my almamater, the University of Calgary, said yes to her hate speech, oops! I mean speech…
But maybe there were Canucks who, say, live in Alberta, you know, the province which houses most of our oil and natural gas, who should be allowed to make up American’s 51st state, effectively saving us from ourselves while the U.S. lighten the Canadian burden of ownership in our many natural resources…yet again.
I mean the fact that we sell our water to them for pennies, trade expensive goods bereft of any profit to us thanks to that so-called Free Trade pact and long ago allowed them to build a Russian early defense warning line up north (the D.E.W. Line) just wasn’t enough for our cousins to the North.
I wonder if an entire country can spread it’s legs and be screwed over and over not even being paid for it like a hooker, like what has been done to Canada by the U.S.?
Nope. No way. Ann wouldn’t LET that happen, not with us “good” Canadians, she says!
We would be ‘assimilated” into the fold, be unburdened of our resources and be the newest slaves to the non-existent social and health care system the rest of those American dolts – oops, I mean “citizens” are…I personally can’t WAIT to be rescued by Ann, can you?!!!
What I still can’t figure out is why she even bothers to care so much for us.
I mean, we native-born Canadians ARE freakin’ good lookin’ but heck, we’re damn hard to find in amongst the plethora of immigrants stomping on our wilderness these days. And I’ll give ya each a million dollars if you can find me a candidate for Prime Minister that does NOT have a turban-wearin’, Koran-holdin’ sycophant standing beside him on the dais, making damn sure that for his electioneering support to that candidate by his unwashed minions, his immigrant friends get every kind of benefit and grant known to man…I mean known to anyone else BUT a native-born Canadian, that is…
Yeah Ann, we really DO need to be saved by you…
I’ve packed my bags, my passport is up to date and I’m waiting for your scrawny little ivory-white arms to scoop me up and save me from myself.
If it turns out you’re mouth is too busy flapping about how awful we are, to be able to kiss me as you whisk me away, I’ll understand. Girl-on-Girl action has never been my thing anyhow….